Sunday 27 April 2014

Tarzan (Animation) (2014)

In Reinhard Klooss’ world, Tarzan (Kellan Lutz) is not adopted by apes as an infant.  Instead, he is part of a happy rich environmentalist family called the Greystokes who are in Africa to search for a massive meteor that crashed there many moons ago.  A meteor that could be a the solution to the energy problems of the entire world and also give clues to the reason for the annihilation of the pre-historic world.


In Reinhard Klooss’ world, the boy JJ (Craig Garner) is the lone survivor of a helicopter crash that should have taken away everything in a 100m radius (if not more).  Instead he is unscathed and is then adopted by a Gorilla mother who has just lost her child.  The helicopter is sucked in by an inanimate force within the meteor.

In Reinhard Klooss’ world, that 4 year old JJ who could speak English not only loses his memory of the occurrence but also any command over the English language.  Magically, when he meets Jane (Spencer Locke) for the 2nd time he can speak in broken English without any help from anyone.  Rapidex English and Speakwell Academy – are you listening? You will be soon out of business.

In Reinhard Klooss’ world, female Gorillas have lips that are ever so slightly pinker (like they have lipstick on them) as compared to the others.  It is also perfectly normal for Tarzan to walk into the pack with his new girl and the Gorilla mother-in-law knows exactly what to do to make everyone feel at home.

In Reinhard Klooss’ world, Tarzan can beat a silverback gorilla twice his size and four times his strength and also threaten to kill him but spares his life and all is hunky dory after.  Tarzan can also single handedly lift mother gorilla when she dies and carry her back home.  Tarzan can also pick a rock that’s about 200 kgs (maybe more) and hurl it at a chopper that is getting away at over 100mph AND HIT IT!!!

In Reinhard Klooss’ world, it is perfectly normal for an environment activist to walk into your office and ask for 1% of your annual profit towards conservation in Africa.  There are snow-capped regions where Tarzan glides through the snow as if he was doing it all his life.  Let me not forget the volcano that is housed within these snow clad peaks – We are in Africa or Iceland?

In Reinhard Klooss’ world, “You don’t find Tarzan.  Tarzan finds you”.  At this point I could not help but laugh out loud.  It was one of the most horrid versions of Tarzan that I have ever seen.  No one has been really able to do justice to the King of the Apes.  But this was just an all-time low.

Kids may like it but I would never recommend you to waste your time on a movie that not only has animation that is worse than a video game but is a misleading story.  I am all for contemporary interpretations but not gross violation of classics that should be narrated the way they were written.  Apologies to Edgar Rice Burroughs.  2 on 10.  Really bad.

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