Jab Tak Hai Jaan

Samar Anand (Shah Rukh Khan)… oops… I am sorry… Major Samar Anand (Shah Rukh Khan) is pushing 40 I would guess. His hobby is on the lines of what James Bond says in Skyfall – reincarnation. Only, Samar believes in playing an extremely risky version of Russian Roulette. And he isn’t doing it with a gun which has one bullet. He is doing it with Bombs. Yep. Our hero is labeled as “The man who cannot die”. He disposes bombs for a living – without protection that too.

And why does he do that? The nosy and extremely irritating Akira Rai (Anushka Sharma) is about to find out. How? Because she decides to dive into the freezing waters of what one can only assume was the Pangong Lake. Did I mention it was in her Puma bikini (Saurabh – please ensure you pay me money for the additional publicity). Well, as luck would have it, Major Anand waits for her to drown and then rescues her. Army protocol you see. Watch when a half naked woman jumps into the water and rescue only when she goes under (if you know what I mean).

Army protocol also dictates that after resuscitation, you should leave your fatigues with the chick and your personal diary so that the back story comes to life where Samar Anand is a 25 year old who can barely speak English and makes a living by doing multiple jobs including singing the same Punjabi song on the London Bridge everyday. Coincidentally, the woman – Meera (Katrina) who he makes the song for is willing to pay 500 sterling to learn the song and impress her father – Mr. Thapar (Anupam Kher who has been wasted) – who turns 50 in a month.

A passionate love story develops but when Samar has an accident, Meera, who has a current account with Mr. Jesus of Nazareth (Samar saw her first @ the church where she swore to give up chocolates in return for… never mind), asks for Samar’s life to be spared. In return, she promises never to see him again. Erm. WTF????

By this stage of the movie you are half tearing your hair apart. And if you check my twitter post out, I refuse to believe that Yash Chopra directed this movie. So what if the end credits show video footage of the great man directing people who look like the cast of the movie. Impossible!!! I request the Chopras to come clean of this cheap marketing gimmick. I am quite certain, this is an Uday Chopra directorial venture. Even Adi and Karan Johar cannot make such pathetic cinema.

The number of loop holes that the story has can substitute for perforated sheets. The execution is tacky – green screens for jumps into water @ Ladakh should at least look right. Yash Chopra could not have signed off on this final product. Other than the title poem (lyrics at the end of this review) there is no semblance of a dialogue or screenplay worth mentioning. The direction seems non existant – which is why I repeat – THIS IS HAS TO BE UDAY CHOPRA!!! NOT YASH CHOPRA!!!

And the movie just doesn’t seem to end. It took about 90 minutes to get to an interval which was also cheating. It first seems that the interval has come in and your much needed loo break is around the corner. And then they continue for 5 more minutes. Unfair. I call for a ban on such cheap tactics.

Shah Rukh Khan makes it 2 flops in a row with this Diwali. But the movie will make tons of money and cross 100 crores within this week. Sad but true. 3 on 10 only driven by a reasonable performance from Anushka (although she could have toned herself down a bit). And of course – the ever dependable A R Rahman who saves the movie with a soundtrack that can be heard.

Watch the trailer at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0UXgoJ9Shg

Teri aankhon ki namkeen mastiyaan
Teri hansi ki beparwah gustakhiyan
Teri zulfon ki leharati angdaiyan
Nahi bhoolunga main
Jab tak hai jaan
Jab tak hai jaan
Tera haath se haath chhodna
Tera saayon se rukh modna
Tera palat ke phir na dekhna
Nahi maaf karunga main
Jab tak hai jaan
Jab tak hai jaan
Baarishon mein bedhadak tere naachne se
Baat baat pe bewajah tere roothne se
Chhoti chhoti teri bachkani badmashiyon se
Mohabbat karunga main
Jab tak hai jaan
Jab tak hai jaan
Tere jhoote kasme waadon se
Tere jalte sulagte khwabon se
Teri be raham duaao se
Nafrat karunga main
Jab tak hai jaan
Jab tak hai jaan