Wild Card (2015)

Some may say that Jason Statham is cut out for only one type of role that is probably immortalized by his best performance to date i.e. Frank Martin (Transporter).  I would tend to agree with them but having said that, Statham hasn’t let the people who call him a stereotype come in the way of what has been built into a brand of action with a solid fan following from across the world.  I am one of those fans.

Hummingbird / Redemption (2013)

Run an imdb search on Hummingbird and you will not find the movie that I will be writing about over this page.  Apparently the movie was released earlier under the name – Redemption.  It will be well worth it to find out what prompted the change.  Unfortunately I could not find the bandwidth over the past few days to research this interesting bit of trivia.

Expendables 2

Barney Ross and his band of old but extremely well built (they can kick a lot of ass even today for certain) men are back. One would have thought that better sense would have prevailed on them with the not so successful previous attempt. But then Sly Stallone chooses to live by the maxim that he preached to his screen son as Rocky Balboa, “It is not about how hard you can hit but about how hard you can get hit and keep picking yourself up”. Only that would explain a 2nd installment of The Expendables.

Lets look at the list of dialogues that would qualify for the Razzies in screenplay
1. Bruce Willis to Arnold – “You’ve been back enough. Now I’ll be back” :S:S:S
2. Terry Crews when he is asked to hand over his weapon – “My big weapon is hanging exactly where it is” – Like what???
3. And then there is “Rest in pieces” and “I now pronounce you man and knife” – AAAARGH!!!!
4. Jason Statham – “That thing belongs to the museum”. In reply we have Stallone – “We all do”. Probably the only dialogue that made any sense.
5. Someone to Arnold or vice versa – “If I don’t get this back, your ass is terminated” – somebody please stop!!!
And I realized the reason for all of this. Guess who has written the screenplay – of course in an attempt to save a truck load of money – Sly Stallone himself.

If all of this doesn’t get to your nerves then you have a random Belarusian village where all the women can speak impeccable, grammatically correct English albeit in an attempted Belarusian accent. I think Sly uncle’s visit to the sets of Kambakht Ishq rubbed off on him in more ways than we could have imagined. Of course there is the absolutely unnecessary but not unwelcome return of Chuck Norris as Booker who always works alone.

All of this for making a movie that should not have been made in the first place. But for posterity, lets give you a glimpse into the story. Church (Willis) catches up with the old man’s team and asks him to complete an assignment to absolve the team of all pending cases against them. Barney (Stallone) accepts and finds himself somewhere in Eastern Europe to recover a digital map for a few tons of Plutonium. In the bargain he loses the youngest member of the squad – Bill the Kid (Liam Hemsworth) to the ruthless JCVD in his first villainous role. The chase begins.

The Expendables 2 is a vastly avoidable movie. Even if you are an absolute fan of action movies and the men who made Hollywood action a reality, I would request you to avoid it. Because it is those very men who are sinking deeper and deeper into an abyss that they may never return from. Quite a heart breaker in that sense of the word. I was extremely disappointed. 4 on 10. The past few weeks have been disappointing with a couple of exceptions I guess.

Watch the trailer on http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi839492121/

Safe

When you have Jason Statham in the lead in any movie even if it were the most serious of Shakespearean tragedies, you would walk in expecting a series of edge of the seat action sequences that leave you in a tizzy over a 3 minute segment. You would then get a 30 second break and then another 5 minute chase followed by a couple of minutes of a jog and a 4 minute breath taking action sequence that would blow your pants off in the literal sense of the word.

So if and when you would walk into watch Safe, why would you think anything otherwise I say. And with your due permission I would like to put your doubts to rest immediately and declare that Safe is all of the above and more. If you are a Statham fan or not, you are bound to enjoy the action sequences in this Boaz Yakin (director of Remember the Titans) movie. Before I go any further, I would say, grab yourself a popcorn, fasten your seat belts and enjoy the bleddy ride!!!

Mei (Catherine Chan) is a less than 10 year old Chinese girl who has her way with numbers. Numbers talk to her. She hates mathematics but is sadly really good at it. When her principal realizes this, he sets her up with Uncle Han (James Hong) who actually gets her kidnapped and sent off to the Big Apple to “help” with the family business. Now this aspect of the movie I really didn’t get.

But it doesn’t take rocket science to figure out that her next assignment is to remember a code. A series of numbers on an A5 paper that to her mean nothing but mean a lot to the local Russian Gangs who are perennially at war against the local Chinese Gangs. But all of this is without the involvement of prize fighter Luke Wright (Statham). Not till he gets into trouble with the Russians for winning a fight that he was supposed to lose in the 2nd round. The result – The Russians kill his wife and leave him in the lurch. It takes a few minutes of screen time before Mei and Wright cross paths. The rest as they say is A grade testosterone.

A complete “Man Movie” from about 15 minutes in for the next 75 odd minutes with slick direction and some ice cold looking performances from the one and only Jason Statham. I have seen only 2 expressions from Statham to date. One which is what everyone is familiar with – the pug faced one which really can be described only as expressionless. And the smile that he gives @ the end of The Italian Job. Don’t expect anything more this time either. But Safe is a safe bet to watch. Not for kids mind you because there is some mind numbing violence to put it mildly. 6.5 on 10.

Trailer on http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2055184665/

Cellular

The concept is one that is really hard to believe. But as you watch the movie, you get a bit carried away with the continuous thrill and the well directed chase sequences that pepper the entire movie. Cellular is an average thrillers which the boys will lap up like fodder and the girls may or may not be too excited about. It is an edge of the seat drama in almost the truest sense of the word. But mind you all of this doesn’t mean that it is a well made movie. The action sequences over power the plethora of errors that are all over the movie.

Jessica Martin (Kim Bassinger) is your average everyday mother who is extremely concerned about the well being of her only son Ricky Martin (Adam Taylor Gordon) – yes her son’s name is actually Ricky Martin (ROTFL). Anyways, she is a teacher at the local school but in secondary school. Her son’s concerns are oriented around how his mother will be in the same class as he will be in the next year. All of that is soon to pale in comparison when unidentified gun men (and a gun woman) barge into her house and kidnap Jessica.

Although they smash the phone in the cellar where she is held, our heroine manages to get some wires together and inadvertently connect to Ryan (Chris Evans) a good looking but not good for much bloke. Ryan takes a little bit of convincing but decides to focus on getting Jessica freed from the clutches of her kidnappers. Hard to believe that there would be someone like that in today’s day and world no? Guess it wasn’t the case in 2004. Where most of us would have hung up the cell phone especially when we are running a girl friend’s errand, Ryan believe in some social service. But that’s what gets us most of the excitement I guess and therefore warranted.

Cellular cannot be held up there for performances of any kind despite Basinger’s pouting and crying repeatedly over the phone. There is not much of a cast anyways to be held accountable for acting. Even Jason Statham is an action hero and not an acting hero but it is definitely interesting to see him in a negative role. The only person one can expect something from could be William H Macy who is as focused and solid with his execution as always. Someone who can always be depended upon.

Overall, Cellular is quite an enjoyable but brainless action movie. There is enough to keep people interested for an hour and a half. Definitely worth watching when it plays on Television. 6 on 10.

Watch the trailer at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2-wO0kG8as

Gnomeo & Juliet

I am an amateur critic and would probably not understand the finer nuances of animation. But in my not so expert opinion, I think Disney has given us a lovely movie yet again. This time with director Kelly Asbury (Shrek 2; Spirit : Stallion of the Cimaron) they give us an adaptation of a The Bard’s classic and make no bones about it when they start the movie by saying “The story you are about to see has been told – A LOT”. It is definitely just another Romeo and Juliet movie but it is told a bit differently and Disney has ensured that it doesn’t turn out to be insulting to a classic like Rob Letterman did to Gullivers Travels. In fact it is an extremely entertaining animation movie for both adults and kids alike. And rest assured, the kids will totally love it.

In Stratford upon Avon (Shakespeare’s birth place) stay an elderly gentleman by the name of Mr. Capulet (Richard Wilson) and an equally elderly lady called Ms. Montague (Julie Walters). They are forever at loggerheads with each other. But this enmity is not restricted to just them. Even their ceramic garden gnomes come to life when there are no humans around and take the fight way too seriously for their own good. In the Blue corner is a team of gnomes led by Lady Blueberry (Maggie Smith) and her son Gnomeo (James McAvoy) along with their trusted ally Benny (Matt Lucas). In the Red corner is Lord Redbrick (Michael Caine), Tybalt (Jason Statham), Fawn (Ozzy Osbourne) and the extremely cute martial arts expert, Juliet (Emily Blunt). Their fights range from ruining the opponents garden to their favourite “national” pastime – Lawn mower racing. The not so obvious twist in the tale is when Gnomeo meets Juliet and it is love at first sight. Of course they take a few minutes to figure out what they are getting into but as Juliet’s frog nanny – Nanette (Ashley Jensen) puts it – the relationship is DOOMED from day one. And things only get worse when Tybalt decides to raid the Blue Lawns and destroy a flower that Gnomeo’s late father had lovingly planted and the Blue Army had tended to all these years.

A slew of corny one lines and references to Shakespearean classics do not prevent this movie from being great fun to watch. Stuff like Juliet being stuck to her pedestal with the “Taming of the Glue” or the fact that the warring elderly couple stay on Verona Drive or Nanette telling Gnomeo’s pet mushroom “You look like a fun gi”. And it is garnished with Elton John songs from the past 3 decades. The voice overs are excellent. The distinctly identifiable ones are those of Michael Caine, Ozzy Osbourne and surprise surprise Hulk Hogan as the Terrafirminator – the mean lawn mower that sets you back by a 1000 pounds of hard earned money only to cause the complete destruction of the back yards. The resulting product spread over just under 85 mins is a lovely way to spend a weekend afternoon. And it would not matter if you don’t see it in 3D coz the effects are quite bland. A very entertaining flick but on second thoughts, may not make it to the Oscars this year. Guess there were many other animation movies that were better off. I give this a 6 on 10.

Watch the trailer at http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi854264089/

The Expendables

About a year back, my boss told me, “The era of the metrosexual man is over. The Alpha Male is back”. Well sir, it would definitely seem that you were bang on. The Expendables is probably the nth movie this year which completely proves your theory. Suddenly, one seems to be getting a slew of all out action movies that was not the case about a couple of years back. This year itself has seen quite a few of these “Man Movies” chief amongst them being The A Team. The response from arguably the king of action, his highness, his holiness, Sylvester Stallone is to get together his own crack team who go by the name of The Expendables.


The Expendables are a group of mercenaries led by Barney Ross (Stallone). They specialize in covert military operations which countries do not want to be seem involved in or find it difficult to manage. The team comprises of Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), Ying Yang (Jet Li), Gunner Jensen (Dolph Lundgren) and a couple of other trigger happy team members. The are also ably supported by one of their ex team members and not main contact point, Tool (Mickey Rourke). The movie starts with an operation in the Gulf of Aden where a container ship has been held by Somalian pirates who are now demanding a ransom of $3 million. The Expendables quickly address the issue with no harm caused to the hostages. In the bargain, however, they find out the dark side of Gunner who insists of continue the carnage with his own verson of barbarism. This leads to Yang trying to stop him and eventually Barney has to intervene. Gunner is politely asked to exit the team which he doesn’t take too kindly to but has not other choice.

The movie then proceeds to introduce an agent who goes by the name of church (Bruce Willis) who is presumably a CIA Agent who wants to give yet another covert job to one of two teams. One being The Expendables. The other team is lead by the missing link in the Planet Hollywood Team which completes the 2 mins of attempted humour of getting our 3 vintage heroes to share screen space for probably the first time. The Expendables get the job for a princely sum of $ 5 million which involves a seek and destroy operation of a small, otherwise inconsequential island called Vilena which is supposed to off the coast of Miami somewhere in the Caribbean. The credits however reveal that it is a location in Brazil. Quite exotic nevertheless.

The exotic nature is however not limited to the locale. It also extends to the Sandra (Giselle Itie – a small time south America actress) the sizzling hot daughter of the General of Vilena. Now Sandra is the contact point given to Barney by Church. The target is the general. Now our boys with brawn are a wee bit confused about this entire turn of events. How can the contact be a blood relation? I also forgot to mention a 2nd more important target - James Munroe (Eric Roberts) who is a rogue CIA agent and in cahoots with the general and intends to make a truck load of money smuggling snort. Our men are supposed to destroy this operation.

Despite the heavily loaded star cast, The expendables kind of flatters to deceive. One would have expected the quality of action to have been far superior and not random trigger happiness. Yes, it is a thrill to see these demi gods of action together on screen but they should have been given more substance to work with. Stallone probably had labeled this as his pet project – something to do before I fade away – and hence did this. But give the same project in the hands of a Jerry Bruckheimer OR John Woo and one would be able to notice a perceivable difference. Now I wasn’t expecting an Oscar award nomination when I picked up the tickets but I did expect a reasonable story line. I wasn’t aware of Stallone being the director or I would have toned my expectations down significantly. The dialogues for e.g. are extremely cheesy and drew very little laughter from an otherwise belligerent audience.

The Expendables is yet another case of an actor not being a half decent director or movie maker. Sly Stallone should stick to acting in super action flicks. We all know he is still fit enough and probably capable of having another Rocky. Or maybe he should have made Rocky Balboa his swansong. My guess is the latter. I give The Expendables 5 on 10.