Purani Jeans

Fresh talent always spurts new ideas and gives the industry a positive momentum.  However, that is not the case when aspiring talent – more often than not in this part of the world – is terribly incompetent. Tanushri Chattrji Bassu despite the missing e and extra s is just one of those incompetent new age directors who, by means best known to them, got a lousy movie like Purani Jeans green-lighted and released.

Main Tera Hero

And he is back!!!! About a year after his biggest disaster in which he made a hash out of a wonderful Sai Paranjpe classic, he is back to being his old self. One that the sly old fella spoilt us with in the late 90s and early 2000s – usually with a certain Govind Ahuja in the lead.

O Teri

A CBI Assistant Commissioner who hasn't been given a car by his employees is ambling around on a desolate Delhi street in the middle of the night. It is coincidental that he is leading an investigation involving some leading government officials.

Dedh Ishqiya

Pick the same director - check

Pick the same lead cast - check

Add 2-3 brilliant actors as seasoning – check

Retain some of the "characters" from the first edition – check

Pick yet another rustic premise / story – check

Add flavour with the tongue of The Nawabs – check

Make sure that the music is acceptable if not brilliant – check

Get a great cinematographer to create some gorgeous shots  - check

Get a location that connects with both rural and urban India – check

Hire a set designer who can make that location look even more beautiful - check

Singh Saab The Great

The Anil Sharma-Sunny Deol association started with Gadar – Ek Prem Katha, over 10 years back.  2 movies (Apne – 2007 with the entire family) later they have come together yet again to give us a Punjabi-Hindi Sunny Paaji potboiler that has upgraded the Dhhai kilo ka haath to a Saade Teen kilo ka haath (2.5 kg hand to a 3.5 kg hand – in a crude translation).  They follow it up by calling it a 1.25 crore (125 million) strong hand with a reference to our burgeoning population. Corny reference in a totally corny movie.

War Chhod Na Yaar

How many times have we wondered about the true story of the supposed skirmishes at the border to the west. I'm sure most of us have thought about the political motivation behind the news reports that we keep hearing. Quite certainly, we have also thought of the involvement of entities other than our favourite neighbour in the larger scheme of things.  War Chhod Na Yaar is a satire on all of these and a little bit more.

Jolly LLB

Jagdish Tyagi aka Jolly (Arshad Warsi) has graduated from Law College Meerut.  As on date, he is a struggling advocate at the local court.  Not too many people know of his existence even in the countryside.  He has been trying to live by that old adage that a lawyer has to be patient enough to get one big case.

Meri Shaadi Karao

Gurdeep Mehndi (GM) : Pappa Pappa mera 21st janam din aane wala hai. (my 21st birthday is coming up) Mere liye kya gift de rahe ho? (What will you gift me?)

Dabanng 2

Did you know that in a Zeus phone you can play songs and the package includes a camera as well? And did you know that in that phone, you cannot figure out that your own son is calling you to poke fun by pretending to be a woman who is cheating on her husband.

And did you know that the only way to be Dabanng other than being Salman Khan is to buy a Suzuki Hayate? Did you also know that you need to buy insurance to keep the future of your family safe? In fact, you can buy insurance products where you will earn continuously after death as well.

Did you also know that Hajmola is the best cure for an upset stomach? And that you could have more Hajmola to cure an upset stomach because of having too much Hajmola. And lets not forget www.xoom.com. That’s the latest word in money transfer. It gets your money across to your loved ones within 24 hours!!! WOW!!! I mean how cool is that? 24 hours??? Who could have thought of that???

Lastly, did you know that it takes a few weeks for Makkhi Singh (Arbaaz Khan) to figure out it was he who came back from the jungle. Oh come on!!! What am I ranting about? Maybe it is just my frustration and disappointment with all the irrelevant crap that I was put through for over 2 hours!!! Thankfully it was just a little over 2 hours but the 40 mins for ads and fillers also contributed

By now you would have figured out that there is very little to speak about in Dabanng 2. I know sequels are difficult to make and especially if you do not have the same director (Abhinav Singh Kashyap). But in case of Dabanng 2, it didn’t matter much. Arbaaz was as bad. Actually he was probably a bit better also. But that could not compensate for an absolutely stale story.

There was a title song, a street romaans (romance) song, a song in Dubai, a song with cops getting drunk and an item song. All by Sajid Wajid. Al sounded near identical if not actually identical. There were a few fight scenes. Actually lesser that Dabanng. And this time they weren’t even believable. Either ways, I should not have expected too much. Disappointing. It will do well but nowhere close to Dabanng. 3 on 10.

Watch the trailer at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nPN1M9zVcI

Challo Driver

I walk upto the PVR Counter this morning and ask for tickets for 2 shows. The first one I have already written about – Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. The 2nd one, met with a reaction or should I say, a look of ridicule from even the guy at the ticket counter. It said, “Are you sure? Did you say Challo Driver”? The guy was quick to change his reaction and inform me about the fact that the only show of the movie was unsold yesterday.

After a quick conversation with his manager, he finally did give me a ticket and saved me a couple of hours of doing almost nothing. But then, even watching the movie was as good as doing nothing. The saving grace – I had 5 other people in the hall who kept me company all the way to the end. Ergo it is safe to assume that the movie was not really very bad considering all of us waited till the end.

Tanya Khanna (Kainaz Motivala) is a twenty something who wants to start an adventure company which would be named after her parents. She is from Chandigarh and is quite qualified. But she doesn’t have enough money to seed into her business idea. And that’s why she finds herself in DallyVich trying to make as much money – not too much really – to ensure that she can get her venture off the ground.

But she really cannot stick around too much at any job because she is really not able to find her groove – in other words, something that she really loves to do. She returns to her flat one day after quitting her job only to be handed over a “different” opportunity to make a little bit of money. Getting what is considered to be a truly man’s job – A driver. And considering that she is a really good driver especially with SUVs, she finds herself I the queue for the not so enviable role of driving for Arjun (Vickrant Mahajan) aka Terminator because he has fired 46 drivers in the past 3 years.

Debutante actor Vickrant Mahajan has also directed the movie, written the lyrics of the songs, the Screenplay and the dialogues. Quite an all in one package one would say. But only capable of saving money and not delivering a quality end product at the end of the day. Challo Driver joins the totally not happening lists of movies that had so much potential at the stage of the storyboard but thanks to the “driver” of the movie being not so great, just fizzles out within a few seconds of the start.

To add to the woes of the movie, one has to sustain some really pathetic performances from the entire star cast led by our protagonists of course. The only person who stands head over shoulders over the entire cast is Prem Chopra. A good concept / story has been flushed down the drain once again. A pity because this could have been so much better than some of the crap that we have been subject to over the past few weeks. Instead it joins the crap @ 4 on 10.

Watch the trailer at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ql1Kk85tzcY

4084

How often have we seen movies which has a star cast which is on the outside average and it turns out to be an exceptionally great movie. Take the case of Bheja Fry (the first one) or Tere Bin Laden. On the other hand you have movies which have exceptional star casts – actors who are known for their fantastic capability – which turn out to be damp squibs to say the least. Ones which make you tear your hair apart in frustration and disgust. Movies that make you really wonder about the possible weak moment at which the makers of the movie made one of these actors sign on the dotted line – and then used that signature to sell the concept to the other 3. Or were there methods which were not so legal utilized to get the 4 great actors to sign on the dotted line? Or is that that these actors are slaves to some exceptionally good quality marijuana that forces them to be high out of their wits (like those who predicted a 2-1 victory for India in the Australia series – sorry I had to get that in). Well if you haven’t figured out which category of movies tdoes Chaalis Chauraasi (4084) fall under then I am not quite certain who or what could help you out. Maybe the good quality marijuana that these actors are having may help out immensely.

When you see Naseeruddin Shah, Atul Kulkarni and Kay Kay Menon in the same screen you can be quite confident that there is a quality movie waiting for you right? Even when the 4th person in the cast is the not so highly rated but good Ravi Kissen. WRONG. When one of the cast plays the role of a car thief with a fetish for the age old Fiat which is fondly called Dukkar (Pig) in the Mumbai market – WRONG! And then there is one whose dream was to be a singer but is relegated to being a pimp because he gets into the good books of a dance bar owner – WRONG!! Or if you are a drug dealer with a Shetty sounding name and who doesn’t have much of a qualm in spreading the junk in society then – WRONG!!! And of course when one of them plays the role of a retired Head of Department (English) and has spent 10 years in jail for killing his wife then – DEFINITELY WRONG!!!!

Hriday Shetty hasn’t done his chances of a long term career in Bollywood too much good. What kind of a director makes actors with so much talent reduce themselves to the level of trite comedy – actually severely slapstick comedy? Even if it had to be done, then I would have expected some attention to be given to detail and some importance given to finishing or screenplay or dialogues or editing or story or cinematography or whatever it is that makes movies worth watching? Not sure about the actors but Hriday Shetty was surely smoking up when he made this movie because there is nothing much to really look forward to with 4084. A highly avoidable below par flick 4 on 10 is what I give it.

Watch the trailer at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0SaVc24WlY

Mausam

Have you guys heard the story about The Hare and The Tortoise? I cannot say with conviction that everyone who reads this blog would have. But I can say this with absolute conviction that Pankaj Kapur has not only heard the story but also took it so much to heart that he applies it in every aspect of his life. But there are a couple of learnings from the story that Pankaj Sir seems to have forgotten about the story. Firstly the moral was “Slow AND STEADY wins the race” – not just SLOW wins the race. Secondly, winning happens if and only if the Hare decides to take a nap and not the goddamn Tortoise!!!! Mausam in a nutshell is the best sleeping pill one can have after a hard day’s work. It is the ultimate prescription that a doctor can give for insomnia. Guaranteed results or your money back. This one is in the league of “Tree of Life” folks – complete and utter yawn fest.

It was a full house for the 2040 show @ PVR Mulund – much to my pleasant surprise and of course to the happiness of the multiplex owners. The campaigns and probably the decent music of the movie seemed to have made an impression on quite a large bunch of suckers – chief amongst them being yours truly. But most of us who walked in expecting a reasonable romantic movie were in for a really rude shock. Let me speak about the positives first because that would be a quick one. There was cinematography and credit to the team to have created a movie that may not have been a sight for sore eyes but was visually quite appealing. And then there was the music which was good but the pessimist in me is quite certain that Pritam would have used his international resources quite well to come up with the final product. Honestly, I cannot find much more other than these two factors.

I am quite convinced that the only person who can make Shahid Kapoor act is Vishal Bharadwaj. I am also quite certain that there is a gene pool mismatch between father and son which is worth investigating for those who would be very curious. That the additional A in Sonam A Kapoor is not making things work too much for her is quite obvious. And Mausam hasn’t sent her charts sky rocketing in any manner. Most of the support cast seems non existant with Anupam Kher getting precisely 3 minutes and 38.497 seconds of screen time. Aditi Sharma was definitely the pick of the support cast as the desperate Rajjo who cannot look beyond our hero Harry. I have immense respect for Pankaj Kapur as an actor. But his directorial debut has been nothing short of a disaster. Editing is all but absent. I would strongly recommend Mausam for the sleep deprived population of the country. 3 on 10.

Trailer on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZwSV5qeMoc

Khap

There was a 30 minute segment in a movie that released last year (or was it year before last). A movie that was not taken very well by the masses because most of the audience didn’t understand it at all. I had, on my blog, described Love Sex Aur Dhokha as a very brave movie. But more importantly, the treatment of the super sensitive topic of Honour Killings by ace director Dibakar Banerjee was simply brilliant. In sharp contrast, Ajai Sinha makes a mockery of such a strong topic. It doesn’t take too much time to realize why Mr. Sinha was without a movie for over 6 years. His last one was this obscure movie called Stop! Now I haven’t see Stop! yet but the direction in Khap doesn’t inspire me at all to watch it.

What Dibakar Banerjee took less than 30 minutes to communicate, Ajai Sinha could not achieve in over 2 hours. Primarily because he spends truck loads of time to show us a useless love story between 2 barely legal kids (as per the movie they have just entered college). An extremely corny and of course predictable story unfolds through part of the movie between Ria (Yuvika Chaudhry) and Kush (Sarrtaj). Ria’s parents Madhur (Mohnish Bahl) and Komal (Anuradha Patel) have moved to the city 16 years back after Madhur fights with his father Chaudhary Saheb (Om Puri) over ways that can only be described as Jungle Law. Chaudhary Saheb is the President of the Khap – a collection of 40 villages where everyone is related to the other in some convoluted manner. A boy and a girl from the same Khap cannot get married. And if they are of the same “Gotra” then it is sacrilegious and calls for the death penalty – remember what I said about Jungle Law. Needless to say, Madhur had to run away because the rest of the clan refused to change its ways. But 16 years later, he returns as the lead of a Human Rights Commission group to try and find evidence. Easier said than done right?

Pathetic acting is the hallmark of Khap. And what beats me is that the likes of Om Puri and Govind Namdeo seem to have forgotten how to give any kind of performance. Doesn’t take much to figure out that Yuvika Chaudhry cannot act no matter how hard she tries. Add the ridiculous name of Sarrtaj to the same list that Yuvika is part of. Alok Nath comes in with a cameo about how the Khap also does lots of good (which is true by the way), falls flat with his acting, makes a fool of himself even with only 2 minutes of screen time and runs away with his tail between his legs – exceptionally embarrassing performance. He should stick to being the doting daddy of a girl child (which he has been doing forever). Direction, Editing, cinematography, screenplay, music and all the other aspects of good film making were all but absent throughout the 2+ hours. Horrible way to spend a Saturday morning. Sorry for posting the review late (if you saw the movie between Saturday afternoon and today). 2 on 10 and that’s only because it isn’t as bad as Milenge Milenge.

Watch the trailer at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hE7T4rrBCi

Ready

Before you go to watch Ready, please follow the steps as under
1. Open Skull
2. Carefully pull out brain – make sure you don’t damage anything else the purpose of saving the brain from trauma would be defeated.
3. Now, place brain in a bowl of ice cold water and leave it in freezer for the next few hours
Now that you have no sense of pain or pleasure or excitement or humour, you are in the perfect situation to watch one of the most brainless pieces of work that Bollywood could have given to you. This one takes the cake and makes David Dhawan look like an Oscar winning director. This freak of nature has taken slapstick and cheap comedy to a completely different level. And what is shocking is that the audiences are loving it and lapping it up. Every single piece of crap that is dished out from his table seems to be going so well with the audiences that his sense of false self belief is getting bloated beyond recognition and repair. And no we aren’t talking about Salman Khan who was probably the only saving grace in Ready other than Paresh Rawal. We are talking about this phenomenon (what else can you call him) called Anees Bazmee!!!! Its truly ridiculous that someone like Bazmee can get away with all the bull shit that he dishes out. But as I said – the audiences are loving it to say the least :’(:’(:’(:’( Other than the 4 of us who had braved the Saturday rains in Mumbai to watch the 2250 show (and I was doing this after watching 5 decent movies before), everyone else seemed to be having a stupendous time. Maybe they followed my instructions to the T and were informed earlier by someone else.

Prem (Salman Khan – for the nth time being called Prem) is a Chartered Accountant (can you believe that!!!!). But wait… there has to be a twist right. He is based in Bangkok – wonder whose accounts he was balancing there??? He is the sole heir to millions (of Bahts I am assuming) owned by his father Ram (Mahesh Manjrekar) and his uncles Laxman (Manoj Pahwa) and Bharat (Manoj Joshi). But the families have given up on him per se thanks to his mischevious ways. His favourite pastime is to get single girls hitched with the guys of their dreams – especially if the single girls are hot and happen to be the neighbour’s daughter – AAAARGH!!!!! But the folks finally manage to get him to consider a girl recommended by the family Baba. A chick coming in from the US. And heres is where the 2nd and ultimate twist happens of a girl exchange. Instead of a certain Pooja who no one in the family but the Baba has seen, Sanjana (Asin) lands up taking her place. Chaos and of course love happens soon enough. And yes… a tuk tuck chase is thrown in as garnish

None of my closing comments will save you from the torture that you will go through. Although I don’t owe any apologies to Sheena, Hersh and Vivek because they willingly accepted the proposition of going through this mindless piece of crap, I believe I still will apologize to them because I came up with the idea. What prevented me from watching Hangover 2 I will never know – wait of course I know – the 3 of them had already seen it :’(:’(:’(. The positives however include some foot tapping music and some extremely cocky dialogue delivery from Salman. For e.g. “Is duniya mein 3 cheezon ko kabhi underestimate mat karna – I, Me and Myself” (For the non educated in Hindi – Never underestimate 3 things in life – I, Me and Myself!!!) AAARGH ^ infinity. 2 on 10 for the above 2 points and some decent comic timing in patches from Paresh Rawal (more out of respect).

Watch the trailer at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACvDgKuTxnA