M3 - Midsummer Midnight Mumbai

I will begin by saying that I did not watch this movie upto the grand finale.  A personal emergency forced me to leave just as the climatic sequences of this awful piece of work was about to begin.  There were several indicators that should have kept me away from this movie that I refused to acknowledge and therefore suffered like I have on very few occasions in the past.

O Teri

A CBI Assistant Commissioner who hasn't been given a car by his employees is ambling around on a desolate Delhi street in the middle of the night. It is coincidental that he is leading an investigation involving some leading government officials.

Yaariyan

Famous Last Words – “The toughest job in the world is being a mother.  One of the most difficult things to do is directing a movie.  I did both together” – Divya Khosla Kumar, Director, Yaariyan (read “Probably the worst movie of 2014).

Rajdhani Express

There is nothing much that director Ashok Kohli can look forward to after his debut in Bollywood. Maybe he needs to destroy all evidence of being associated with a movie titled Rajdhani Express (RE) and the cast and crew associated with it. But the cast and crew will be less of a worry. They would have died of shame anyways after watching themselves.

Hence my hypothesis that the people associated with this disaster of a start for 2013 for Bollywood have not seen their own handiwork. There should be a rule in Bollywood or some contact with the censor board that prevents such jokes on cinema from being released at the beginning of a calendar year or any auspicious day. There should in fact be a censor board arm that prevents release of such disasters.

The movie begins with our ace tennis star who has done his image and future no good by being part of this venture. He starts with a guttural laughter that is intended to create fear. I assume that because he is shown with his hands and legs tied up to a chair. But what he doesn’t know that the audience is laughing at him at the end of the day. In the same guttural way that he attempted to laugh.

Turns out he is Keshav (Paes) works for a local small time Don in the capital city called Bhaijee (Kiran Kumar). Now Bhaijee’s daughter Reena (Sayali Bhagat) and our man have a love hate relationship. They grew up together. He was the domestic under age help. She was the rich man’s daughter. And from then on the divide has been obvious. So when Bhaijee finds out about the hanky panky under his nose, he ostracizes Keshav and sets him up to be caught in the Rajdhani Express carrying ammo.

If by now, you are not tearing your hair apart, then you definitely will, when u see Keshav’s Ist AC Co-Passengers. Banerjee (Priyanshu Chatterjee) who is a Bollywood screen writer. Munish (Sudanshu Pandey) who is a fashion designer. Sunita (Pooja Bose) who is a Bollywood Item girl.

Attempting to add spice to this lousy curry is Deputy Commissioner Yadav (Jimmy Shergill) who must be regretting the day he signed this deal. And there is Shilpa Shukla who plays a Sub Inspector with her right hand in her pocket at all times looking grumpy as ever – I am sure because Kohli asked her to put her hand in her pocket and she didn’t.

She also had reason enough because Kohli asked her to mouth what will be the dialogue of the year, "Loyalty se behter sincerity hai. Loyalty is for dogs. Sincerity is for human beings". Please Please Please tell me you have pulled all your hair out by now. If not, please get a medical mental check-up lined up ASAP.

RE is the kind of movie that will actually make you tear your hair apart in agony. It may even send you on a witch hunt for Kohli because the cast has otherwise given reasonable performances to date. The only difference this time is a Kohli (maybe bad times for the entire clan). There is an absence of everything that goes into a movie. So adding to the list that has 2 movies to date on my blog, we have a 0 on 10 to begin 2013 with.

Trailer on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-rXXW7fBtM

Chatur Singh Two Star

The posters were quite obviously indicating a clear inspiration from Pink Panther and better sense should have prevailed over me before I picked up the tickets for Chatur Singh Two Star. But then I had to go ahead with a decision that on hindsight (a virtue that everyone has) is one that I really regretted for the next couple of hours. Now you may ask me why I spent 2 hours inside the theatre when I had a choice of walking out in the first 5 minutes – that’s all it takes to realize that CSTS is one of the worst movies ever made in the history of cinema? That can make it easily to Reader’s Digest’s “Mysteries of the Unexplained”.

I am a huge fan of Inspector Clouseau (Peter Sellers in The Pink Panther) and his hilarious side-kick Kato. And I was literally in tears and almost cried to see the entire concept torn to shreds by first time director (again) Ajay Chandhok. It is quite obvious as to why Chandhok took 16 movies as an Assistant Director before he was given this opportunity. Must have really done some big time favours to the producers for them to hand over their hard earned money to Chandhok. There is no point in speaking about script or cinematography or screenplay or dialogues or editing or consistency or narration or music or finishing or whatever it is that goes into making a movie watchable. Chandhok will need to consider himself really really lucky to have a chance at making any other movie after this.

Acting? What acting? Was there someone who did in this movie? Sanjay Dutt has all but put up a neon sign which says “My acting days are over”. Suresh Menon is expected to be slapstick and he sticks to what he knows best – slapstick. And Anupam Kher? Why? Why?? Why??? Ameesha Patel has also joined the neon sign club but this time it says – “I work in only C grade movies that expect me to show my ample cleavage”. There are a couple of item numbers showing Ameesha in various stages of cleavage – that she has quite a bit to show is not debatable. I guess this was the only aspect that caught the attention of the half a dozen couples who chose to walk into Sterling Cinema on a Saturday morning to make out.

I was extremely disappointed with the Steve Martin version itself which I thought did little justice to the extremely classy manner that Peter Sellers gets the concept of a bumbling bungling detective to life. Lets get that a few notches lower in the form of Chatur Singh who is rank insulting to the great man to say the least. The only reason I would give this any score is because it would be easier for my fans to search the 0 on 10 that I am about to give. Yes, this one even beats Milenge Milenge as the movie which would be screened most in most film institutes under the subject – How not to make a movie. The common factor – Satish Kaushik. Avoid like the plague.

Watch the trailer at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qH0Gorau_QU

Bengaloored

Have you ever been alone in a movie hall? If yes, do welcome me to the club. For over an hour into this movie, I thought I was the only person in the hall. Till the friendly usher @ PVR Mulund burst my bubble by informing me that there was a couple in the far right hand top corner that was coochy cooing in the dark. One of the biggest disappointments in my life to learn that I had to exit the club much too early L

Babruvahana…. If u can pronounce the name that is… is the name of Arjuna’s (Mahabharata) son during his exile in Manipur. Now why is this random piece of mythology relevant to this blog? That would be a very smart question I must say. The answer being the lead character of this movie is called by the same name. Very unforgettable name but very forgettable character.

Harish Raj (supposed to be a new star in the Karnataka circle… I wonder why) plays the lead role of an author who leaves Bangalore and returns after 10 years to complete his 2nd book. The first one was a best seller which I wonder how because the character does not show any signs of being capable of writing such a book. But then there is our respected Chetan Bhagat Sir who also is a best selling author. So I guess we can make leeway for Babbu (that’s short for Babruvahana… small mercies I say) especially since this is a work of fiction.

In those 10 years he is supposed have been in France and has returned without the faintest sign of an accent or being French. Highly protected upbringing I assume made sure that he stuck to his roots. More over, he returns to Bengaluru with a vengeance and desperation to ensure that he gets laid. He spends a good 5 mins of screen time (which is a lot) trying to call his old flames that are by now either married or surprisingly don’t want to see him coz he dumped them in his hey days. Now the latter I find it extremely hard to believe. Which girl in her right sense of mind would want to be seen or associated with someone who goes by the name of Babruvahana and looks like Harish Raj? Unless of course there are enough girls out there who do believe in Shakespeare. I would like to find one sooner than later.

Now his pursuits of chasing up old flames finally bears fruit when he literally stalks down Radha (played by one bad actress called Meghna) who tries her best to shake him off but funnily gives in to temptation. The only reason I think this happens is coz the story had to go on. Or maybe it was because Radha could speak with an American accent thanks to her stint with a call centre and poor Babbu had nothing French about him L. Within 2 meetings with Radha our hero is deeply in love with her. That was fast… or should I say desperate.

Nevertheless, in an attempt to add some new angles, there are a few other characters that come into the movie. An author by the name of Ramana who was Babbus’s inspiration and is now a 50+ year loser whose only pastime is singing “Bahaaron Phool Barsao” on his personal Karaoke system. Little do we realize that it is because of his long lost love that he refuses to marry because he does not believe in the institution.

The other is Babbu’s ponytailed dad (who Babbu hates to the extent of calling him a sick bastard… I would if my dad named me Babruvahana) has remarried and is now with one hot south Indian siren (if u know what I mean) ignoring her coz he is about to die…. Boo hoo. Babbu for sure is extremely elated but to maintain audience sympathies gives papa dear a big hug and tells him how never meant it when he wished out loud that Papa would die (LIAR!!!!).

The next character is new Mama’s aunty who as luck would have it, turns out to be Ramana’s muse and long lost love who is now married with children. Smart woman I say (if u saw how Ramana looks u would also say the same). However, our hero Babbu decides to play cupid and successfully gets them back together…. Yeah!!!!

The pivotal character in the movie is however, a tree. Yes you heard me right… a tree where Babbu's original Mama is buried. And since then the tree, which was almost dead, has grown into a huge strong one and of course Babbu credits his mama (may her soul rest in peace) with this miracle. And Babbu will not let her rest in peace. He keeps riding down in his mint condition Yezdi as often as possible to meet her and pain her with his personal problems

Somewhere along all of this, the story of Babbu’s 2nd book is revealed. It is about some dude who loses everything in life. As depressing as the movie.

I would hate to do this normally, but in the interest of saving you guys the pain of going through one of the most painful movies ever, I am going to give away the climax.

Babbu’s dad passes away, Babbu expresses his deep love for Meghna who very politely asks him to FO (you see she is married and is going to the US to stay with hubby dearie) and last but not the least Babbu’s house gets burnt down and his novel along with it. Now why does the house get burnt down? Coz Babbu in his enthu to tell Meghna about his true feelings does not stub his cigarette out well enough. 3 things result due to this
The BBMP which wanted Babbu to give his house away due to a flyover construction is now dancing with glee…. PAISE BACH GAYE BOSS… Babbu dear was refusing to part with it thanks to memories attached
Realisation dawns upon the viewer as to why the movie begins with the statement CIGARETTE SMOKING IS INJURIOUS TO HEALTH… you bet it is!!!! Burns your whole freaking house down man!!!! What if u were in it at the time??? Ho gaya na injurious.
Babbu now has inspiration to rewrite the novel….. man who loses everything etc… good lord!!!!!

I am seriously not going to waste my time on the ratings. Don’t see this movie unless u are a massive Sucker for Punishment OR you just love to get your trips from seeing boring, badly made movies.