Khamoshiyan (2015) (Hindi)

My best friend and I were having a drink last night and discussing today’s releases.  When I mentioned Khamoshiyan he said, “I don’t go to Vikram Bhatt movies any more because they claim to show a lot of skin but end up showing nothing”.  He was bang on in terms of his assessment much like many of us.  The unfortunate few involved in writing about cinema don’t have a choice per se.

Alone (2015) (Hindi)

"Kabeer ke Bina birthday cake nahin kaatungi" says Sanjana (Bipasha Basu) at her surprise birthday party organised by Kabeer (Karan Singh Grover) himself but in absentia. Her friend says, "Kaun kiss se zyada pyaa karta hai pata nahin". (we don't know who loves the other more). That's the story for the rest of the world.  But at home Sanjana doesn't want anything to come between her and Kabeer and is mighty cheesed about His hard working and social ways.

Honeymoon (2014) (English)

Rose Leslie (Ygritte from Game of Thrones) is probably the only person I could identify in this hardcore Indie movie that aims to challenge Happy New Year this Diwali in India.  That being said, both Rose and her opposite number Harry Treadaway come out of this otherwise disastrous attempt at horror, unscathed in terms of questions regarding their capabilities.

Creature 3D (Hindi)

Have you heard the story about King Bruce and the spider? The one in which King Bruce is thrown out of his kingdom and hides in a cave.  He sees a spider that keeps falling off while building a web.  King Bruce takes inspiration from that incident.  Comes back and wins his kingdom.  The story of never giving up that has inspired a million lives.

Machhli Jal Ki Rani Hai

I am prioritizing this review over How To Train Your Dragon 2 because it is my moral, ethical and fundamental responsibility to ensure that you, as an audience, are not put through the pain that I went through.  If I am late and could not warn you well in time then do accept my sincerest apologies.  I shall endeavor to post my inputs at the earliest possible in the days to come.

Ragini MMS 2 – 2 Mein Zyada Maza Hai

I will begin once again by stating this in no unclear terms. If you are going to watch Ragini MMS 2 - 2 mein zyada Dum Hai (that's the full name of the movie and I'm not kidding ;)) in the hope that you will see lot more of Sunny Leone than what you have already seen then it would be a colossal waste of your precious time.

Rise of The Zombie

Lets have a look at the trailer of Rise of the Zombie before we go through the review.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60fyPQcHi6M. It says – “Prepare to witness – The Death of Love, The Regret of a Father, The Loss of a Friend.  This February – Survival is a Dream and the end is one step closer”.

3G

It is incredibly difficult, after a point of time, to tolerate the kind of crap that directors dis out these days as cinema.  Maybe I am getting unfairly bugged about 3G because it was definitely not as crappy as the Vikram Bhatt movies or those starring a certain Mahakshaya.  But 3G wasn’t too far away from this abysmal mark.

Raaz 3

The last Vikram Bhatt movie that I saw was Haunted 3D. The man and his obsession with the horror genre is truly commendable. By that I mean – how many times is one person willing to go out there and hang himself on a clothesline to be the object of ridicule of the rest of the world? It must take a truck load of guts right. I can understand that the Vishesh Films banner has to oblige family. But when oh when will this man stop fighting for the position of the worst director in the country?

I missed Raaz 3 on the Friday of release. And I was told that I didn’t miss much. I cannot say that it was a horrible movie. But I cannot say that it was above average either. In terms of a score out of 10, I would give it 3 on 10 because the story was definitely better than Bhatt’s previous attempts. So after trying for so long, he finally got a story that was not too bad.

You have Aditya Arora (Emran “Kiss Me” Hashmi) who is one of the most successful directors in the past few years. He has reached this far thanks to a few favours that he picked up along the way from Shanaya Shekhar (Bipasha Basu) who is an actress on her way down. She is fast losing ground to Sanjana Krishna (Esha Gupta). Sanjana has won the best actress award for the past 2 years.

So when Sanjana does a threepeat, Shanaya loses her faith in the person upstairs. She gets lured into the fascinating world of Black Magic. She sells her soul to Dutt (Manish Choudhary) – a spirit who is in the world between humans and the after-life. She gets some magic water from Dutt and with the help of Aditya gets Sanjana to consume the water. That unlocks Sanjana’s soul for the evil world to come into. A spate of eerie events occur back to back. Sanjana begins to lose it much to Shanaya’s delight.

Vikram Bhatt takes a bit to gore instead of the pure horror of the unknown. So we have an evil spirit that is made up reasonably well as a human with dark circles under his bloodshot eyes and some black scars for good measure. But in a minute he turns into a gory bloody lump with creepy crawlers coming out of every square inch. Quite hilarious actually when I play it back in my mind.

Nothing in terms of performances to look forward to. Bipasha is as plastic as ever but for some reason she always gets a great bunch of clothes which accentuate her curves better than anyone else. Hashmi is as good as he is ever been in a Vishesh Films production. Esha Gupta I disappointing. I expected better. On the whole, nothing you have missed @ 3 on 10. Don’t bother catching up.

Watch the trailer on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdGMo3fffkg

Haunted 3D

Haunted 3D

I am at no point of time even considering that I could write anything close to our good friend Vipurva Parikh (vipurva@gmail.com – refer mail sent last week which had most you in splits) and especially after the trauma that he went through watching Haunted 3D for the first time. Needless to say, yours truly, did not learn from him but thanks Vipurva from the bottom of his heart. Had it not been for Vipurva, I would definitely have been in some kind of rehabilitation facility in the deepest darkest recesses of Koti (where the movie is set) with very little chance of recovery. Thank you so very much Vipurva and of course my dear cousin Vijay for having forwarded the same to me.

I feel for Mimoh… oooops… Mahaakshaya Chakroborthy. No seriously I do. How can you blame poor Mimoh for the face that he has which cannot in anyone’s wildest dreams come up with more than half an expression. Little Mimoh… sorry… Mahaaskshaya (will take some getting used to) can put that blame squarely on his parents. But for the not so familiar with Bollywood, Mahaakshaya (finally got it right) is the son of the evergreen Mithun Chakroborthy and Yogeeta Bali. So I have come to a simple conclusion. Mahaaskshaya was adopted. Sorry Mahaaskhaya – your parents had to hide the truth from you. I cannot even begin to fathom the pain you are going through on this realization. But believe me – it would pale in comparison to the pain that we had to go through while watching you on screen.

Rehan (Mahaaskhaya) has come to Koti to broker a deal for a 100 year old house that is expected to sell for over 200 crores and get him 4 crores in the bargain. But his house helps are set to run off thanks to the spirits that haunt the place. But Rehan is a brave boy. He decides to find the truth. Because Rehan believes only in what he sees and not on hearsay. He tries to get some info from the landlord who dismisses him. But after briefing the landlord about his educational qualifications he begins his witch hunt which leads him to the story of Meera (Tia Bajpai) who kills her piano teacher Professor Aiyer (Arif Zakaria) when he tries to rape her. The peeved spirit of Prof. Aiyer then decides to rape Meera till she commits suicide in 7 days. After that the unsatiated spirit continues to rape her for 80 years till Rehan comes into the picture to save her.

Other than the few things that I learnt through Niren, I have the following learnings / forecasts to submit to all of my readers
1. Mahaakshaya Chakroborthy is an orphan
2. If you really want to help someone who is getting raped in spirit, think really hard about her and u can time travel.
3. Girls dig time travelers and name their sons after those who time travel
4. Use of active and passive voice in the same statement is supposed to create a better impact – For e.g. “Woh Tu Hai! Tu hee hai woh”!!! – refer to Vikram Bhatt for further details on this point
5. Similarly, a Hindi statement followed by the English translation helps communicate better when u are alone in a 100 year old home – For e.g. “Kaun Hai? Who is it”?
6. And lastly, Stanfords applicants from India will see a 100% drop this year unless of course they sue Vikram Bhatt for defamation and ensure that he issues a public disclaimer.
7. PVR 3D glasses are exceptionally heavy. Please do something about it.
8. LASTLY – VIKRAM BHAT IS A DICK (Sorry Niren – had to add this line. Hope u will not sue me for agreeing with u)

Final score – 1 on 10 for the intense humour that the movie gets to the table. And sincerest apologies to the members of the audience at the 1 pm show @ PVR Mulund on Sunday, 15th May 2011 for having disturbed you with my incessant laughter. Could not help it. Haunted 3D was way too funny.

Watch the trailer at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YlCdTN_vyc8




And read Vipurva’s review in case you have missed it below this



So in a latest act of misplaced bravado, i watched Vikram Bhatt's Haunted. A Horror film. In 3D. Starring Mimoh Chakrabarty.

Yes, Government of India. I expect my Param Veer Chakra to reach me via courier in no more than 10 working days. Please do the needful.



Also, let me get something else of my chest.

Fuck You Vikram Bhatt. You're a dick.



And, Mimoh finally, like the rest of the country, saw the stupidity and hilarity in his name. So he changed it.

to Mahakshay Chakrabarty. Mahakshay. No, really. MAHAKSHAY.

He's back with a leaner body, shorter hair and One Whole Entire Facial Expression that he carries like a torch through the film without veering or faltering. I say the boy has a bright future.

He also has some intricate facial hair thingy going on. With his beard. Like it was carved with tiny scissors and precision tools by rajasthani woodwork artisans. Good for you, Mahakshay! I'm glad you're paying attention to all the truly important bits of acting.



Now to get to the film. Haunted, or to call it by it's working title - Vikram Bhatt's Paranormal Rape Fiesta , is about an old house haunted by the spirits of an UberHorny Piano teacher and the girl he raped and still does in the spirit world.

In walks Rehan (Mahamimoh Chakravarty), who's a broker for the house deal. He experiences a couple of nights of extreme haunting. This leaves him completely unfazed. Mahachutia knows no fear! Or well maybe he knows fear, but knows not how to emote! He just walks around the house at night in the midst of screams, piano playing ghosts, doors slamming, books flying off shelves and decapitated heads turning up in bathrooms with a look most reserve to compliment the thought `why does this underwear keep riding up my crack?'



He finally finds a suicide note from the girl talking about her ordeal. About how she bonked the pianoman over the head with a candelabra to avoid getting raped. it killed him. but he came back as a ghost and raped her for a week. till she committed suicide. After which he raped her spirit for 80 years.

Now,

Please dont get me wrong. I don't condone this sort of behavior. It's highly unnatural and very mean to rape someone's soul for nearly a century.

But you gotta give the man props for persistence. That's the kind of resolve and drive that'd put Ranjeet and Shakti Kapoor to shame.



Mahactor tries to save the girl's soul. He's helped by a stoner sadhu. Who, (and this is where shit gets weird), sends him back 80 years in time by blowing chillum smoke on him.

Mahafail is now in 1937 where he tries to prevent Meera (Tia Bajpai) from her impending fate.



The climax follows age old cliches - `tumhe pahadi ke sufi baba ke paas jana hoga' and `tumhe yahaan se bees meel dur ek kuwe mein yah sab daalna padega' ... with the ghost hot on the trail in the form of a Meera's possessed care-taker, Margaret (Achint Kaur).



Tia Bajpai looks heavily sedated and has dialogue delivery skills of an ape. Which is not that bad because most of her lines are , `AAARARRRRRGGHHHHHH.. AAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHH AAIIIIEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEIIIIIII '



Arif Zakaria as the angry and horny `gotta have me some rape' ghost is menacing. But research says that that's a role most Indian men would be able to portray fairly efficiently.



So, finally this is all that I brought back from the experience -



1) Vikram Bhatt is a dick.



2) Ghosts can't read or write. Apparently, absolute illiteracy sets in once you become part of the spirit world.



3) Evil spirits are strongest at 3 am and weakest at 3pm. If you want to piss on their grave, afternoon would be a good time to do it.



4) Mahabali Chakraborty has a long way to go. But i still like him because I watched Jimmy in a theater with 3 other people a day after it's release. And i'm a sentimental m'f'r.



5) Do not go to a 3D horror film with 3 girls. They will talk all the time and refuse to look up at the screen while staring steadfastly at their cellphones sending BBMs to other women about how scary the film sounds from all the shrieking they're hearing.



Oh and the most enjoyable part of the whole movie?

Definitely the 30 second trailer of Amole Gupte's Stanley ka Dabba that played during the interval.