Bang Bang! (Hindi) (2014)

Bang Bang! lost me about 30 seconds into the movie. A senior intelligence officer, Colonel Viren Nanda (Jimmy Shergill) walks into the MI6 headquarters to collect a gift – Omar (Danny Denzongpa).  Along the way through 253 layers of security, the colonel asks, “Woh London mein kya kar raha thha”? If there could have been anything more insulting to the Indian Secret Service (ISS) I would really like to know.

Dhoom 3

I left home this morning around 8:35 am for an 8:30 am show - you see PVR Cinemas usually plays upto 17 minutes of advertisements into the show time. So an 8:30 show will usually start @ 8:47. And if it is a Yash Raj film (or any big banner one for that matter), it would not have started before 8:55. But more importantly, I had Blackie and Whitey (the dogs in my building) looking @ me eagerly, as if to say, "what's the point of you going for a Dhoom movie. Spend time with us. It may be more exciting".

Jab Tak Hai Jaan

Samar Anand (Shah Rukh Khan)… oops… I am sorry… Major Samar Anand (Shah Rukh Khan) is pushing 40 I would guess. His hobby is on the lines of what James Bond says in Skyfall – reincarnation. Only, Samar believes in playing an extremely risky version of Russian Roulette. And he isn’t doing it with a gun which has one bullet. He is doing it with Bombs. Yep. Our hero is labeled as “The man who cannot die”. He disposes bombs for a living – without protection that too.

And why does he do that? The nosy and extremely irritating Akira Rai (Anushka Sharma) is about to find out. How? Because she decides to dive into the freezing waters of what one can only assume was the Pangong Lake. Did I mention it was in her Puma bikini (Saurabh – please ensure you pay me money for the additional publicity). Well, as luck would have it, Major Anand waits for her to drown and then rescues her. Army protocol you see. Watch when a half naked woman jumps into the water and rescue only when she goes under (if you know what I mean).

Army protocol also dictates that after resuscitation, you should leave your fatigues with the chick and your personal diary so that the back story comes to life where Samar Anand is a 25 year old who can barely speak English and makes a living by doing multiple jobs including singing the same Punjabi song on the London Bridge everyday. Coincidentally, the woman – Meera (Katrina) who he makes the song for is willing to pay 500 sterling to learn the song and impress her father – Mr. Thapar (Anupam Kher who has been wasted) – who turns 50 in a month.

A passionate love story develops but when Samar has an accident, Meera, who has a current account with Mr. Jesus of Nazareth (Samar saw her first @ the church where she swore to give up chocolates in return for… never mind), asks for Samar’s life to be spared. In return, she promises never to see him again. Erm. WTF????

By this stage of the movie you are half tearing your hair apart. And if you check my twitter post out, I refuse to believe that Yash Chopra directed this movie. So what if the end credits show video footage of the great man directing people who look like the cast of the movie. Impossible!!! I request the Chopras to come clean of this cheap marketing gimmick. I am quite certain, this is an Uday Chopra directorial venture. Even Adi and Karan Johar cannot make such pathetic cinema.

The number of loop holes that the story has can substitute for perforated sheets. The execution is tacky – green screens for jumps into water @ Ladakh should at least look right. Yash Chopra could not have signed off on this final product. Other than the title poem (lyrics at the end of this review) there is no semblance of a dialogue or screenplay worth mentioning. The direction seems non existant – which is why I repeat – THIS IS HAS TO BE UDAY CHOPRA!!! NOT YASH CHOPRA!!!

And the movie just doesn’t seem to end. It took about 90 minutes to get to an interval which was also cheating. It first seems that the interval has come in and your much needed loo break is around the corner. And then they continue for 5 more minutes. Unfair. I call for a ban on such cheap tactics.

Shah Rukh Khan makes it 2 flops in a row with this Diwali. But the movie will make tons of money and cross 100 crores within this week. Sad but true. 3 on 10 only driven by a reasonable performance from Anushka (although she could have toned herself down a bit). And of course – the ever dependable A R Rahman who saves the movie with a soundtrack that can be heard.

Watch the trailer at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0UXgoJ9Shg

Teri aankhon ki namkeen mastiyaan
Teri hansi ki beparwah gustakhiyan
Teri zulfon ki leharati angdaiyan
Nahi bhoolunga main
Jab tak hai jaan
Jab tak hai jaan
Tera haath se haath chhodna
Tera saayon se rukh modna
Tera palat ke phir na dekhna
Nahi maaf karunga main
Jab tak hai jaan
Jab tak hai jaan
Baarishon mein bedhadak tere naachne se
Baat baat pe bewajah tere roothne se
Chhoti chhoti teri bachkani badmashiyon se
Mohabbat karunga main
Jab tak hai jaan
Jab tak hai jaan
Tere jhoote kasme waadon se
Tere jalte sulagte khwabon se
Teri be raham duaao se
Nafrat karunga main
Jab tak hai jaan
Jab tak hai jaan

Ek Tha Tiger

If there was a contest for the biggest fan following that an actor has in India, then it would undeniably come down to the 3 Khans. But if there was a contest for the most intense fan following that an actor has in India then it would have to undisputedly go to the most notorious Khan of all.

How else could you remotely explain a line of over a 100 people @ lined up outside one of the least attractive theatres in Goa? Well we are not talking about 100 people @ say noon. We are talking about 100+ people squashing themselves against a closed shutter @ 8 am. All for a 9:20 am show for which they may or may not get tickets. Incredible isn’t it????

That I was one of them and got back drenched in sweat after an hour of jostling and pushing and abusing the people around me was enough reason for me not to give up the 1:10 pm show for which I eventually got the tickets. I was not about to get out of THAT line without a ticket. And now all that was left was to keep my fingers crossed and hope that Ek Tha Tiger was remotely worth it.

And luckily for me, it turned out to be a pretty decent watch. After Salman’s continuous demotion i.e. ACP (Wanted), Inspector (Dabang) and Bodyguard I was half expecting it to be a watchman this time. But he got down to a level lower. A genre of people who no one has any clue about. A fascinating and yet very hush-hush profession. And debatably the lowest rung of the ladder in terms of appreciation for work done – a RAW Agent.

And this RAW Agent goes by the name of Tiger and has a boss called Shenoy (Girish Karnad). Tiger’s latest agenda is to track the workings of a Professor Kidwai (Roshan Sheth) who stays in Dublin. This is after a street fight in some village in Northern Iraq where he gets a few ISI Agents and a rogue RAW Agent killed. And like a RAW Agent would, he smartly befriends Zoya (Katrina) who helps the professor with some house work and is a choreographer by profession.

Ek Tha Tiger is actually a fairly well made espionage movie at the end of the day. Most of the stunts and chase sequences are logical. They may be quite James Bondish in execution and not something that the “evolved” Indian audience may look down upon. But I have said this for Agent Vinod and I think Ek Tha Tiger follows suit. Yes it tends to get too soppy in between but I guess the soppiness is in line with the story.

The music is decent from Sohail Sen & Sajid Wajid but I thought a couple of songs were not required and out of place – but this is Bollywood. Rameshwar S. Bhagat’s editing was quite decent. Director Kabir Khan gave us Kabul Express where he did a damn good job and a decent one with New York. Ek Tha Tiger gets him back level pegging with Kabul Express. Good show from the man.

Don’t look for acting talent. Be tolerant about the action sequences – you will enjoy the 2 chase sequences where Kat and Sallu Bhai (their body doubles of course) give some really good display of Parkour. I thought it wasn’t bad. I think Sallu Bhai comes on tops this time. Good way to say Eid Mubarak to all of us I guess. 6 on 10.

Watch the trailer on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWlorjdK8cI

Mere Brother Ki Dulhan

Indian Audiences are probably very easy to please. What else could explain the extremely positive reviews that a way below par movie like Mere Brother Ki Dulhan has received since its release. First of all there is the aspect of a story line. Yawn. Everyone knows what is going to happen at the first look of the trailer itself. Boy (Imran Khan) is entrusted to find an ideal wife for his brother (Ali Zafar) who is based in London and has no idea about the concept of being on a rebound. Boy sincerely but unconvincingly goes about the formalities to complete his duties and is aided by his rhyming bum chums Shobhit (Mohammed Zeeshan Ayyub) and Rohit (cannot remember who plays this). After several unsuccessful attempts he finally receives a call that seems to have truck loads of potential thanks to the prospective bride’s father (Kanwaljit Singh) being employed with the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Turns out that the bride (Katrina Kaif) is an old rebellious college friend from Lady Sriram College (does this institute pay money for in film placement? That would probably explain the 100% cut off they had for admissions this year). With the aid of technology, the bride to be and the groom to be have a chat and voila we have a “middle class” Indian wedding which is nothing short of a BIG FAT INDIAN one!!! Not to mention the obvious – boy and bride to be fall in love and a comedy of errors ensues.

Why would a debutante director, who has only part of his name different from one of his lead actors, dabble with such a predictable plot is beyond me. It is anyways difficult to direct a movie for the first time – so what if you have the experience of being an assistant director for 7 movies prior to this? But it is simply sacrilegious if the audience knows the entire plot and the ending within a 2 minute trailer. To make matters worse Ali Abbas Zafar is not helped with the quality of the script which can be described as stale at best. And wait a minute. That is just the beginning of his woes. He has as part of his cast the nephew of one of the most successful actors in India whose repertoire of expressions can be summed up with the use of just one finger. And the bride to be manages to hold audiences simply because she is super sizzling hot. The elder brother has done his chances of a career no good at all. Disappointing – considering that his first movie (Tere Bin Laden) was such a well made one and his performance was very good to say the least. The rest of the cast is uninspiring as well.

I would consider MBKD to be yet another movie made with the “chalta hai” (anything goes) attitude that has plagued Bollywood since time immemorial. Barring a few light moments, some decent music and leching at Katrina Kaif, there is nothing that would hold you back. The trailer on http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi1376033817/ and save time and money. 3 on 10 is my verdict. If you still decide to go ahead – my best wishes are always with you.

Bodyguard

Eid Mubarak to one and all and much like previous times, the much awaited Eid release starring Salman Khan is out today. And I obviously had to ensure that I catch up with it at the earliest but this time around I had the misfortune of watching the movie in a really cramped PVR screen 4 at Ambience Mall Gurgaon. And that too from the 3rd row. Sorry about that Renu and thanks for patiently sitting through what turned out to be the least entertaining of the previous 3 Salman Khan flicks that released on Eid. There was a joke that has been doing its rounds over the past few days. 2009 – IPS Officer; 2010 – Inspector; 2011 – Bodyguard; 2012 – Chowkidaar?; 2013 – Chaprasi? Has Salman come to the end of his winning streak so to speak which started with Wanted that I would have easily rated as a 5 on 10 if not more. Dabangg was not a great movie from a perspective of quality of movie making but it was 100% entertainment to say the least. I had given it a 4 on 10 but also a 10 on 10 on pure entertainment value. Bodyguard sees Salman getting down to the abyss from a perspective of quality of movies over the past few years. One can only hope that the positive is – you can only get better from here. Only time will tell.

Bodyguard definitely gives the die hard Salman Khan fan and all the women in the house a lot to cheer about and drool over respectively. There are the magical Salman moments that can only be described as simply stunning & outstanding to say the least. The burst of water from a pipe that sprays itself with utmost force onto Salman’s torso forcing the buttons of his tight black uniform open – actually sending the buttons flying all over the place – and the shirt in itself is forced off those rippling muscles (at age 46 mind you) and onto to face of his villain who has to really put in some effort and goes by the name of Aditya Panscholi. An act that can be pulled off only by Salman and no one else (apologies to Rajani Saar but we are talking about Bollywood here). And then there is the most kick ass of all dialogues – Mujhpe Ek Ehsaan Karna… Ke mujhpe koi ehsaan na karna (Do me just one favour… that you don’t do me any favours). Just that the best Salman dialogue in this movie pales in comparison to – Ek baar mein commitment kar deta hoon toh mein apne aap ki bhi nahin suntan (once I have made a commitment then I don’t even listen to myself).

That there are a dime a dozen cheap dialogues thrown in by the ridiculously fat new comer Rajat Rawail who plays the role of Tsunami do nothing to add value to the movie is just one of the low points. These dialogues not only dilute the punch that Salman carries all the way through to the end. Performances from anyone else just don’t come upto the level that he has. Kareena will prove to be just well dressed eye candy to most people who are her fans but to those who aren’t fans like this writer it is just one painful scene after the other. The music by Himes bhai (Himmesh Reshammiya – with all the m’s in the world) is decent but not one of his better works. Overall, you will struggle through Bodyguard and will survive if you are a Salman fan. And of course Katrina looks heavenly in the 2 minutes that she comes on screen. 3 on 10 overall.

The trailer can be viewed on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoF4OJkWH3U

Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara

Welcome to Spain – one of the most gorgeous countries in the world. It is seemingly out of a picture postcard and has oh! so many things to see and do – and when you are done with it, you can just laze around doing well… nothing and still feel great about it. A visit to Spain must include and start with this gorgeous place which is arguably the best city in the world – Gaudi’s City aka Barcelona. The Catalan province offers sights that are absolutely out of a picture postcard. One can also choose to indulge in a bit of art especially those from Indian artistes who have fathered children back in India and run away – petrified at the thought of being a parent.

And then you move onto the absolutely gorgeous Costa Brava towards the north east of Catalonia where the probability of meeting a gorgeous diving instructor of Indian origin who stays in London and goes by the name of Laila (Katrina Kaif) is like 100% - especially if you book in advance. The ocean @ Costa Brava defines the term “Clear Blue” and is perfecto for diving. So what if you haven’t dived before and are petrified of the water, the gorgeous instructor will ensure you are at peace and while you are at it, you find some as well…. Inner peace that is. After you have learnt diving, and found inner peace, you move to Valencia where you must spend a few days in a swanky villa courting the diving instructor and then make your way thanks to her request to the La Tomatina festival @ Buñol, Spain. Here you will also meet a cute Spanish girl who will fall in love with you without knowing a word that you speak.

The next stop in your trip would be the all the way down south from the north east, to the all time famous district of Seville which offers you crash courses in Sky Diving – an activity that I have always wanted to do but cannot thanks to me being only about 20 kgs above the admissible mark of weight for sky diving. After your have finished your thrills in life, you have to make your way back up North because a visit to Spain cannot be completed without the Pamplona Running of the Bulls – another brilliant way to have a near death experience. Now mind you, La Tomatina happens late August and the Bull Run in early July but time travel is possible in a Zoya Akhtar movie. After doing all of the above, you would figure out that one must live life for today because Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara (You only live once).

By far the biggest advertising campaign that I have seen for Spain in India, I would not be surprised if ZNMD was sponsored by the government of Spain – a brilliant new business model cracked by the smarter breed of movie makers. The only difference between a programme on TLC or Times NOW or Discovery Channel would be decent humour thrown in and some crappy dialogues with some good performances from the likes of a Farhan Akhtar make this movie a decent one time watch. Hritik has always been a good actor but tries too hard as always. With Abhay Deol & Kalki, I am not quite able to figure out if the role demanded it or they were just too uncomfortable with the idea of being in mainstream cinema. Katrina was gorgeous as always. Zoya shows marginal improvement over her first attempt @ Bollywood but she will still come on an pre-Oscar show and pretend to know everything about movie making. And yes, the final dance sequence is blatantly borrowed from Hitch – frame by frame. So much for originality. Overall the movie was average at best.


And any rumours that you hear about ZNMD being close to DCH are just that – RUMOURS. DCH was miles ahead of its time and will continue to be picked in the list of path breaking cinema from Bollywood. ZNMD doesn’t stand a chance. 5 on 10.

Watch the trailer at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkpoBIseGAc

Tees Maar Khan

I have always been a Farah Khan fan.  I loved Main Hoon Na and Om Shanti Om.  The latter in fact is still one of my all time favourites – strictly from a perspective of providing wholesome entertainment. What I like about Farah is that she doesn’t make any bones about each one of her movies being “different”. She is quite cut and dry. So, when Tees Maar Khan was announced a while back, I was quite excited despite the controversy that surrounded it.  Most pundits challenged the mother of triplets when she decided to go ahead with Akshay instead of Shah Rukh as the lead for her latest venture.  In hind sight, which is a virtue all of us have, Shah Rukh probably could not have pulled of the role.  It demanded someone with a better sense of comic timing and therefore clearly cut out for someone like Akshay Kumar.  However, Mrs. Kunder would now have realized the importance of a good luck charm. TMK flatters to deceive.  A disappointment spread over a little more than 2 hours.

Tabrez Mirza a.k.a. Tees Maar Khan (Akshay Kumar) started very early in his life as a con artiste.  His mother (Apara Mehta) would watch age old Chor Police (Cops and Robbers) movies that would invariably have the Chor (Robber) in the lead role.  In a manner of speaking, Tabrez was – Well Inducted.  And he starts off by pinching the docs watch and nurse’s chain as soon as he pops out. And no points for guessing that he eventually grows up to reach the “Most Wanted” list not only @ home but also by large organizations such as the Interpol. He has been caught 11 times to date and has escaped 24 times – don’t ask me how the math works here – and before the end of the movie also manages to escape two more times. As he proudly proclaims, “Tawaif ki Lut ti hui izzat ko bachana aur TMK ko Qaid karna – dono hi bekaar hai” (It’s a waste of time to save a harlot’s honour or to imprison TMK).

The world famous Johri Brothers (Raghu Ram) are a pair of identical conjoint twins who are leaders in their own field of work – Smuggling of Antiques.  They have just been relieved of 10000 kgs of Antiques worth Rs.500 crores (Rs.5 billion / $110 million).  The cops have not been able to capture them and are therefore convinced that they would attempt to get back what they believe is rightfully theirs. However, there are only 3 people in the world who can pull of a stunt of stealing that amount of valuables from a moving train.  2 of them are safely behind bars.  The third is obviously our hero.

Farah Khan tries to stick to what she is good at.  A movie that is primarily a comedy peppered with action sequences that are sufficient to keep people excited.  However, this time she kind of comes a cropper post the declaration of, “Is mission mein hum kamyaab honge ya nahin dekhenge after Intermission” (We will see if we are going to succeed in our mission after the Intermission).  Kind of corny and seems forced.  Things build up quite well in the first half and then somewhere the movie loses steam and becomes kind of repetitive.  Maybe it was time for her to actually do something “different”. Just when one thinks that Akshay Kumar is making a comeback he peters of like a deflated balloon back to where he has been over the past 2 years. Forced effort and complete lack of comic timing.  Much better in parts but overall no improvement whatsoever.  TMKs sidekicks are played by Vijay Maurya, Dharampal and Ashish Asgar who seem to have better comic timing that AK. 

And they definitely have much more screen presence than Katrina Kaif who is totally stunning furniture with barely any role to write home about. The only saving grace for her is the absolutely amazing, “Sheela Ki Jawani” (Sheila’s Killer Youth as the subtitles in the Aussie version proclaimed – I definitely have an opportunity to be a subtitler coz they were absolutely atrocious in parts and extremely funny).  The music is very good – a combination of songs by Vishal Shekhar and background by the husband Kunder.  The choreography is also extremely well done.  Full points for Farah Khan there for making Kats dance like the way she has.  Someone finally taught her some serious jhatkas!!! Overall, a decent entertainer for the family on Christmas weekend.  But don’t go with too much of hope.  I give it 4 on 10 in the festive spirit and my liking for Farah Khan as a director.  Watch at own risk.