BOSS

Anthony D’Souza kaun hai (Who is Anthony D'Souza?)? Remember a Bollywood movie with Kylie Minogue (all the others in the cast were imminently forgettable) called Blue? The one in which she croons – I wanna Chiggy Wiggy With You.  Shri D’Souza was the director.  If he keeps up this way, the question will change to “Anthony D’Souza kaun thha” (Who was Anthony D'Souza?)?

I walked into BOSS with the expectations the size of a microscopic organism.  I was pleasantly surprised and tweeted as much in the first few minutes.  I paid no attention to the dialogue and decided to focus on the fight sequences and the story about Bigg Boss (Danny Denzongpa) and a young boy who seemed angrier than Devi Amba in the recent Mahabharat series (must watch rushes - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uaiuR-OuYrI)

Once you get past the killings, you get down to polite introductions and some ridiculous comments such as, “Common Bachcha nahin hai.  Kyonki common sense se baat karta hai” Add to this line a sudden obsession of Bollywood with Harayana and you feel like you have been shot with high quality heroin.

Cut to an brooding Satyakant Shastri (Mithun Da) staring at black and white photograph of common Bachcha with Big Boss – taken 15 years ago.  A back story comes in that ends with, “Ghav toh woh bharti hai joh sharer pe lage.  Isne toh aatma pe chot pahunchayee hai” (Injuries to the soul don’t heal).  One can feel the pain Mithun Da had to go through in delivering this dialogue.  Surely there is major monetary problem that forced him to accept this role.

However, Common Bachcha’s brother and Satyakant’s 2^nd son – Shiv (Pandit) has now grown into fine young man who is packed off to Delhi to stay with his maternal uncle – Inspector Zoravar Singh (Johnny Lever). Zoravar’s favourite pastime is to get beaten up by goons and then handing over his uniform to his favourite nephew so that he can pretend to be Zoravar on a security detail.

Who does Shiv have to protect? Ankita Thakur (Aditi Rao Hydari) – “uski baatein, who aankhen” (they way she speaks… her eyes) – cut to shot of Hydari coming out of a swimming pool in a red 2 piece – “who mind blowing ada joh sabse judaa” (her attitude that’s so different from the rest).  Basically shiv has been controlling a boner from a few months ago in an inter-collegiate festival at Jaipur.

Bad news is always around the corner in the form of Ankita’s brother ACP Ayushman Thakur (Ronit Roy) and the Home Minister Pradhan (Govind Namdev).  Pradhan Sir’s son (Akash Dabhade) also has hots for Ankita and is engaged to her.  Shiv steps in to beat up minister’s son.  Ayushman beats up Shiv and puts him in jail.  Satyakant has change of heart and says “Tujh jaise zeher ko maarne ke liye beher bulana padega” (To eliminate a poison like you, I will have to call for more poison…. Erm? How?)

And that’s how, after 50 minutes of the movie starting, the opening credits finally start rolling and we see the entry of THE BOSS (Akshay Kumar) who promptly moves to the right of the screen.  Why?  Because the Boss is always right. If that doesn’t make you band your head in frustration, I have no idea what will.

There are several other low points.  To begin with Shiv Pandit’s utter fear of dance that is so obvious here (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6K7iDUKWBk).  Sonakshi Sinha spilling out of a black dress and then a similar number in gold.  Sonakshi Sinha spilling out of her tight blouse in the closing credits.  Akshay Kumar’s hair style (oh god!!!).  Aditi Rao’s presence is to ensure more skin is shown by her in own song that all other item numbers put together in the rest of the movie.

Apologies for the looooong review but I just had so much to write.  BOSS is an extremely helpful movie on that count.  To be fair, the fight sequences are good (so what if you did a Bodyguard towards the end by tearing your shirt/vest off after getting drenched).  And Ronit Roy is as sinister as can be.  Watchable on Cable if you have nothing better to do and liked Khiladi 786.  4 on 10 – yeah yeah.  Better than Chennai whatever.

Watch the trailer on http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zaoDtl0GL2E